🚨 FEDERAL ALERT — BE ON THE LOOKOUT 🚨

WANTED: ARMAAN LALA

Aliases: "The Guy in the Parking Lot," "A. Lala," "Definitely Not a Fed (Probably)"

Status: ARMED WITH BINDERS FULL OF PRINTED FORUM THREADS. CONSIDERED EXTREMELY OVER-CAFFEINATED.

CRIMES / KNOWN OFFENSES:

• Being onto us
• Too much investigating
• Sitting in his car in the parking lot for too long
• Single-handedly deciphering the Denver International Airport murals during a lunch break
• Personally responsible for Mercury retrograde occurring four times a year instead of three
• Caught reading the Illuminati group chat and leaving it on "read"
• Replaced two high-ranking lizard people with cardboard cutouts; nobody has noticed yet
• In possession of irrefutable proof that birds are surveillance drones — and suspected of being an operator himself
• Repeatedly asking "but who ACTUALLY killed JFK" at inappropriate social gatherings
• Successfully synced his sleep schedule to 5G tower maintenance windows
• Knows what's really in the basement of the Denver airport and won't say
• Unauthorized possession of Bigfoot's LinkedIn profile (allegedly endorsed for "Skill: Not Being Seen")
• Wearing a tinfoil hat unironically since 2012
• Loitering suspiciously close to the Area 51 gift shop, multiple occasions
• Refuses to disclose the true ending of the Mothman Prophecies
• Excessive, unrelenting gaslighting of the group chat regarding whether any of this is a joke
• Openly, aggressively anti-capitalist — reportedly said "eat the rich" unprompted, at brunch
• Irrational, over-the-top hatred of artificial intelligence, despite (allegedly) using it to build this very website
• Caught maintaining a private fingerprint database of coworkers and "others" — purpose unknown, deeply concerning
• Suspected of drafting a 40-page manifesto titled "Why Your Toaster Is Listening"
• Refuses to use a smart speaker, smart watch, or "smart" anything, yet somehow always knows what you said near one
• Blocks everyone on Venmo — motive unclear, financial trail presumed intentionally severed
• Weirdly, suspiciously into math. No further explanation given. None needed.

REWARD:

$50 and the satisfaction of finally knowing the truth. Payable in Bitcoin, birdseed, or eye contact.

IF SPOTTED:

DO NOT APPROACH. Casually mention the words "flat earth" and observe his reaction. Report all findings to the appropriate authorities (your group chat).

ALPD — Armaan Lied, People Died.